Globs of Flesh

I’m a tactile person. I crave physical contact. Unfortunately, I married a boob man. There’s nothing wrong with this, and for years, I loved that he appreciated something about my body. But now… I can’t imagine anything more uncomfortable than trying to cuddle up to him in the middle of the night and having his hand gravitate directly to my chest. These “globs of flesh” as I think of them are something I wish I could make go away. 

I want to talk to him, tell him how it makes me feel. Maybe I need to tell him because he deserves to know the way I retract when he touches them isn’t a reaction to him, it’s a reaction to my own feelings about my body. I wish they’d go away. I wish I had a flat chest. Maybe then we could both get what we need. 

I know there are some people out there who will say I need to focus on my own happiness more than his. I agree with that, but at the same time, I do love this man. Ours isn’t a relationship borne out of intense physical attraction, it was built on an emotional bond. For all his rough edges, he has an amazing heart. 

And I know the struggle he will face as more of my truth becomes known. He will have to decide if he can love me for the person on the inside even when the outside changes. It will be up to him to realize I’m still the person he loves, only happier because I won’t feel like I’m living a lie. He will hurt, knowing I hurt. 

All of these thoughts at one in the morning because I didn’t want him touching my globs of flesh, no matter how much I wanted to be held.