If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that courage comes and goes. It’s not a constant. Just because I had the ability to speak my truth to a near stranger earlier this week doesn’t mean I can shout it from the rooftops.
A wonderful friend encouraged me to say something on my more widely known persona about what I’m going through. Her logic was sound, and ironically the same reasons I don’t feel comfortable being out to the world yet.
She’s worried that, by keeping a lid on my true identity (which is hilarious, because even that is a persona and I’ve guarded bits of myself from the masses) some people may feel they’ve been duped when and if (and that’s a big if as of this moment) I find the courage to be openly authentic.
Unfortunately, there’ve been some situations in our little corner of the online world recently where women have purposely tried to portray themselves as men. They’ve gone to great lengths, including stolen identities, cheap disguises, and possibly the use of a husband’s hands, to show the world they’re men. But they’re not. They’re women hoping to capitalize on the fascination with men in our niche.
There’ve been women who’ve very publicly joked about being gay men trapped in women’s bodies, when the truth is they’re simply straight women who appreciate gay men.
In some ways, I simply fell into the latter. Not the former, because that’s disgusting. But I am neither.
I would love nothing more than to be a confident woman, a straight ally for the LGBTQ community. But I’m not. I’m someone who failed to address thoughts which have lingered in the back of my mind since childhood. I’m someone who’s currently trying to sort out those thoughts. I’m someone who’s trying to convince myself that those who love me will accept me when I finish peeling back the layers I’ve put on over the past forty years and see who’s inside.
I don’t “come out” on my main persona because I still don’t have answers. I can’t face the questions and the accusations that this is something I’m doing for attention, like some assholes have before me. So, I’ll continue riding this roller coaster, showing pieces of myself when I can, remembering that it’ll get better on the days when courage eludes me.